Stickit2Stage4

I was trying to absorb what my Doctor just told me. How could this be possible??  It was supposed to be a God damned kidney stone. Cancer. The big C. Really??  In my bones. How in the hell does this happen?

Blood tests were being scheduled and something called a PET Scan. They needed to know if there was more and where it was coming from.  Was this a bone cancer or was it something else?

August 28th.  The day the world stopped.

I will never forget that day the same way you remember your birthday but different.  7 am I arrived for my PET Scan. I was alone. I wanted it that way.  I didn’t want someone waiting around for 3 hours for me. It was all very clinical. The nurse explained everything in a very robotic way. How many times a day does she give the same speech to? Many I’m sure.  After it was over I was given some instructions about staying away from babies and pregnant women and then the waiting game began.

I bargained with God all day.  Just let me get to 3:30pm God. My son will be home and I will be home the rest of the day. God, just let me have 3 more years. I have to see my son graduate. God, if you allow me to live long enough to see my husband retire I swear I’ll do everything the Doctors tell me. God….please.

Then it happened.  At the stroke of 5:30pm my phone rang. The caller ID showed it was my doctor.  This can’t be good. Deep breath. …I answered.  Thinking back, I feel so bad for my doctor.  She was calling to give me the worst news possible and she was trying so hard to be upbeat and not scare me. She was so matter of fact.

Breast cancer. In the right breast and it’s already spread to my bones. She talked about appointments she was setting up for me and biopsies that were needed. My head was spinning and I felt as if I was drowning.

How was I going to tell my husband?  The man of my dreams that I only married 15 months earlier.  Even though we found each other later in life it never occurred to either of us that we wouldn’t have 40 amazing years together. I was about to change that and it killed me. But I had to trust that God didn’t play dirty tricks and that somehow, someway I’d be ok.