I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been dealing with pain issues and getting thru the holiday season without needing bail money.
First, my pain has been off the charts. I’ve been having horrible pain in my hips/pelvis and back. The morphine I’ve been on isn’t helping and that’s not good. After emailing my Oncologist back and forth she increased my 12 hr pill to 2 pills every 8 hours with a separate 10 mg morphine every 2 hours as needed. It helps, but unfortunately, I’m also sleeping. I can’t stay awake with this increase. So, I only take the higher dose after Adam is home from school.
Now, on to tonight’s rant. Everyone deals with having a terminal or chronic illness differently. I happen to have a large network of friends on Social Media that I talk to daily. Whether I’m venting and getting support or I’m helping someone else with an issue. Sometimes we don’t even talk about cancer at all. When I bring up my Social media friends some of my family members think I’m doing myself a disservice and actually forcing myself to think about my situation and bring myself down. “Just don’t think about it.” Its what I hear often and it drives me bat shit crazy. I can’t do that. I mean its completely impossible to get thru a day without thinking about cancer in some way, shape or form. Its my life. Its what I know. Its not going away. Its the equivalent to telling a parent to not think about their child. Not thinking about my illness isn’t going to change anything. Its not going to ‘cure’ me. Its not going to extend my life. Its not going to stop the cancer from growing inside me. So, let me be. Let me surround myself with people that understand, that know what its like. Let me talk to people that can make me laugh thru the tears, that understand my morbid sense of humor and don’t judge me.
The only good thing about my cancer is finding these folks, bonding and forming the friendships I have with them. I’ll be honest, cancer isn’t making me a better person, its not making me look at life thru rose colored glasses like you hear from some people. Cancer wasn’t the ‘gift’ some people want you to think it is. Except, for friends like Mia, Lulu, Melissa, Nancy, Annmarie, Andi, Judy, Sandy and many, many more there is nothing good about cancer. Nothing.
So, stop telling me to ‘just stop thinking about it’ because I’d have to stop talking to my friends and I need them like they sometimes need me. Respect that I know what’s good for me. Respect my feelings like I respect yours.
Friday, January 9th is scan day. By the end of the day I’ll know if the pain is the cancer spreading. I’ll know if the treatment I’m on has to change. I’ll know if its just my hips or other bones or organs. I will go thru this week with a smile on my face and I will act like everything is OK. I will also be thinking about it. I will talk to my network of friends like I always do. I will also be thinking about it. I will have their support and they will make me feel better in a way only they can do.
And I will also be thinking about it.