15 Days In and I Already Want a Do-Over

I’m not going to lie. The end of the year was rough. There was what felt like, an unprecedented number of deaths in my circles. So, when January came a knockin’, well I was all too happy to close the books on 2015.

But it didn’t stop. The deaths and bad news just keeps coming and it’s becoming too much. I’m afraid to open my Facebook or Twitter because I know that there will be more bad news.

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I’ve been feeling very much like I’m in a similar situation as the movie The Hunger Games. Any one of our names could get called for the last fight of our life. It’s just a matter of when – not if. Every time I hear another beautiful, strong advocate had her name called I wish the same wish – that I could give them more time. More time with their children. More time to give hugs and kisses. More time to read stories. More time to say “I love you”. 

Then I begin to wonder when I’ll hear my name called out in the crowd. When will my time come when things go sideways and I have to be stronger than I’ve ever been and make decisions I’ve been hoping I’d never have to make. It scares me because I’ve watched the health of my sisters go from NED (No Evidence of Disease) to being out of treatment options and taking their last breath in a matter of months.

When will people notice? When will people begin to care? When will there be outrage and anger for all the children that will grow up without their Mothers?  

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Every day I yell and rant hoping that someone listens. Hoping that someone helps us. It can be very discouraging when the bad news keeps coming but I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I will keep yelling, ranting and making noise until someone hears us, until someone listens

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7 thoughts on “15 Days In and I Already Want a Do-Over

  1. While I don’t have what u do I DO understand what u mean n what u go thru day by day n as I’ve always said I’m here 4 u always LUV ya 💗😘😙🙌

  2. I lost a friend at the end if last year leaving two boys… 3&5 years old… She did not blog so her name would not be known but she is one of the many unknown young women who have died this year.. There are far to many and far to many children left motherless… Doesn’t anyone realise this ???? When I first started blogging I did not understand how devastating BC is, I had only seen the Pink Version so i hope there are others like me who are learning from you all and can help others understand too. Every blog every Fb page every website must make people see what is happening…

    • I hope you’re right. We try so hard to be heard and to get to the right people that can make changes. It just seems like no one hears us. I hope what Obama said the other night wasn’t just BS. I’m so sorry for your loss. Just because your friend didn’t blog doesn’t mean her name shouldn’t be known. Her name and her picture should be given a voice. Check out the Facebook page – #iamsusan run by Kelli Parker. Xox

  3. Just finished having my morning talk with my fiance about the same topic. I am questioning why people would rather look the other way. I think part of it is denial. They also feel a sense of hopelessness and powerlessness. I am not sure how we can get people to listen other than having them go through it (or having one of their love ones be diagnosed). They don’t understand that by doing something NOW, they may prevent a future headache for themselves or for a love one (writing about this topic now). They don’t understand that these contributions will ultimately help all of us. But most people like to separate themselves from cancer by thinking they’ll never get sick, and by believing this, they think they don’t have to do anything about it.

    I too want to start all over. Thank you for writing this. xoxo

  4. I’ve been feeling the same way. I’m overwhelmed by all of the bad news our community has had to deal with in the last couple of months. It’s insane. There’s just no making sense of it.

  5. Always in your corner yelling and ranting too, my friend.

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