I’ve been holding out on writing anything lately. There’s so much rattling around in my brain and it’s taken me a while to sort it out.
It’s kind of like when you open up a jigsaw puzzle and all those pieces fall out in a big pile. None of it makes sense. Some of the pieces are even stuck together in the wrong way. You know once you sort it out it will be the pretty picture you saw on the cover of the box and you’re excited to see how it all comes together. However, right now I need to get the end pieced and the middle pieces separated so I can work on the frame.
That’s what I’m trying to do now. I’m trying to get the pieces in my head separated so I can start to work on the frame.
You see, many people see me as a strong person. A strong advocate and voice for the Metastatic Breast Cancer and Aid-in-Dying Community. And while that’s true, that’s just a small part of who I am. Others see me as a fierce and loving Mom of a smart almost Senior in High School Son. That’s also true. Still others see me as a loyal, “I have your back friend”. Another true statement.
What many people don’t know, what they don’t see because I hide it so well is that I’m actually a very scared, paranoid, anxiety consumed ball of nerves with an unhealthy load of guilt that I carry every day that gets heavier with each friend that died prematurely.
And that makes me a Fraud.
I push those emotions down. Stomp them down until they are all jumbled together like those puzzle pieces in the box so I don’t have to see them. Or deal with the how that finished picture will look.
So, I keep pushing the pieces around, because I havent been willing or ready yet to start working on what needs to be done. But that’s about to change.
I’m tired of being a Fraud.
I’m tired of ignoring my feelings because it makes others more comfortable. I’m done not being true to myself. I’m done not speaking up or backing down from a fight because others don’t fight fair and it’s easier to just take the high road. I’m done being bullied and letting people use my illness as an excuse to push their own adjenda.
I’m going to dig deep and find the person I was before Cancer. I know she’s there. I know I don’t have to let that part of me go just because some people want me to believe she’s gone. Those are the people I need to ignore because they don’t believe in me nor do they have my back. Those people are the real Cancer in my life.
Be patient with me as I go thru this process. I will still update on my medical stuff, upcoming PET Scan, which is May 16th. We will get to see how the Ibrance/Faslodex has been working.
You can follow the day to day updates on http://facebook.com/stickit2stage4