It’s All Very Bittersweet

It’s been six days since I traveled to New York to have my most recent PET/CT to see if the treatment I’m on is still working.

Six Days.

Six days are an incredibly long time to wait to get results for any scan but especially a PET scan. Waiting for the results of any scan that will tell you if the cancer is active and taking up residence in new parts of your body is just as  anxiety inducing, if not worse, as the time leading up to and the day of the actual scan.

I called Sloan last Friday to see if the report came back but was told that my Oncologist didn’t have it yet and that she would call me as soon as she had it. Great. I had to wait over the weekend.

I couldn’t help but think of my friends who are dealing with progression and treatment changes right now, like Susanne and April.

We all know that this is all part of it but when it does happen it still hits us like a punch in the gut. Each time we know one of us is going for a scan I think we all hold our collective breath  until we hear the news trickle through the interwebs and our circle of friends. It’s like we are all going through it together. We all feel that gut punch when there is shitty news and we all celebrate and throw fist bumps in air when good news is shared.

Then my thoughts go to the friends that are no longer here.

This year has been full of loss. Big loss. For me, it’s a messy combination of sadness, grief, anger and a whole lot of guilt. It may not make sense to some but I do feel guilty for still being somewhat OK. Survivor’s guilt they call it. Believe me, it’s real and it’s no joke. There are day’s that I would trade places Beth or Alexis or Mandi or Jennifer in a heartbeat.

But for now, according to my doctor, I will keep on the current treatment plan I’ve been on for the last (almost) 2 yrs. It appears to be working. Despite the pain in my back. Despite a rising tumor marker. There are no new metastasis that were picked up by last week’s scan.

I made my doctor tell me again. I didn’t believe her.

Then she handed me the report.

“NO SUSPICIOUS MALIGNANCIES”

My shocked, I’m oh, so happy….but it’s very bittersweet.

 

~Happy Thanksgiving Everyone~

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5 comments

  1. Well, I know exactly what you mean by scan anxiety and survival guilt. And we always feel a bit guilty in rejoicing over a good outcome….tho I personally don’t exactly rejoice….more like a big sigh of relief, over another bullet dodged…That said, I breathed a big sigh of relief over your news…..As you point out,, we have many reasons to mourn over friends and loved ones lost this past year, but we also have some good reasons to celebrate. Your good outcome is one of them. Have a special Thanksgiving…..thanks for sharing so much of you and your thoughts and especially your heart.

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