Fun fact about me: I occasionally suffer from panic attacks. They began shortly after cancer became part of my life. They come out of nowhere. Randomly. Usually at the worst possible times.
I’m having one now.
I’m trying to distract myself.
If I don’t and I let the feelings wash over me, I’m afraid the tears will spill out and choke me to death. It’s a soul crushing feeling.
I know, deep down, that every day I’m inching closer to that day.
It takes my breath away. I can’t breathe.
It hits my chest. My eyes fill with tears.
It’s a battle to control my breathing so I don’t hyperventilate. I concentrate on not letting the tears leave my eyes.
I can do it. I can do this. Don’t let them see. I can’t let anyone see.
I’m ok. Nothing is wrong. Everything is ok.
Even though it’s not.
Today it is.
Right now is all that matters.
Hold on. Hold tight.
It’s almost over.
Step by step… day per day…. I have been there, I live there…. hard to understand for people outside this kind of reality!!!!!
Keep up! And big hug to you!
Thank you. That’s all any of us that experience this can do. Hugs to you.
So raw. Sad to read, but thank you for sharing. Yours are stories that need to be told.
I’m so sorry. Do you take anything for your anxiety? I suffered anxiety attacks while Jenn was going through cancer. I tried an anti-anxiety med, but it side effects were too much for me. Once we started me on sleep aids, and I went from getting four hours of sleep a night to 6-7, my anxiety slowly came under control. I’m lucky in that regard. Panic attacks are just awful.
I’m on an antidepressant which has made a huge difference. I do have meds for anxiety but I don’t always have them with me since they are “as needed” and I don’t always know when these will strike. I will probably start though.
As 20 May approaches,I am rather stunned at how completely hollow I feel compared to the last four years. My emotions are just gone. I don’t know which is more sad,feeling and seeing a completely broken heart or seeing and not feeling it. A fighter pilot in World War Two recalled being shot by a Japanese Rufe fighter,he said how bad it hurt,his shoulder had been shattered by the shell splinters. He said the pain let him know he was okay and that he would have scared if he had felt nothing.
I think feeling emotions,pain and yes even a panic attack are signals that you are still here,still alive,still fighting hard. It’s when you feel nothing…..
Paladin and I send you love and cheetah purrs.