Would You Love Me If….

Would you love me if I burned dinner?

Would you love me if I forgot to buy toilet paper?

Would you love me if I dented the car?

Would you love me if I left Christmas shopping to the last minute?

Would you love me if I’d rather stay in on a Saturday night?

Would you love me if I forget to put gas in the car?

Would you love me if I hate to fly?

 

 

Would you still love me if I had a miscarriage?

Would you still love me if the doctor said it’s Cancer?

Would you still love me if I had scars from surgery?

Would you still love me if I no longer had breasts?

Would you still love me if I lost my hair?

Would you still love me if I could no longer work?

Would you still love me if medications made me moody?

Would you still love me if I couldn’t go out because of chemo side effects?

Would you still love me if the doctor said it was Metastatic?

Would you still love me if you knew I was going to die?

 

Will you love me…….now?

Inside Anxiety

Fun fact about me: I occasionally suffer from panic attacks. They began shortly after cancer became part of my life. They come out of nowhere. Randomly. Usually at the worst possible times.

I’m having one now.

I’m trying to distract myself.

If I don’t and I let the feelings wash over me, I’m afraid the tears will spill out and choke me to death. It’s a soul crushing feeling.

I know, deep down, that every day I’m inching closer to that day.

It takes my breath away. I can’t breathe.

It hits my chest. My eyes fill with tears.

It’s a battle to control my breathing so I don’t hyperventilate. I concentrate on not letting the tears leave my eyes.

I can do it. I can do this. Don’t let them see. I can’t let anyone see.

I’m ok. Nothing is wrong. Everything is ok.

Even though it’s not.

Today it is.

Right now is all that matters.

This moment.

Hold on. Hold tight.

Concentrate.

It’s almost over.

Breathe.

Breathe.

When “It’s Nothing” Becomes “It’s Something”

If you’ve been following my blog, you’re familiar with my track record of “aches and pains” that turn out to be nothing or have no explanation. It’s become kind of a light-hearted joke between me and my Oncologist. She will ask me how I’m feeling and I usually respond with something like: Does it matter? Because it will end up being nothing anyway. And then we laugh.

At my last appointment she wasn’t laughing. My continued weight loss has now gotten her attention and not in a “you’re gonna rock that bikini this summer” kind of way. When she asked me how I was feeling, I casually mentioned some discomfort I was having on my right side. It’s particularly bad after I eat. It’s not unusual that I go a day or two without eating until the pain subsides. That conversation earned me an appointment at the end of the week with my GI doc.

I like my GI doc. I haven’t seen Dr. C in a while but he listens and doesn’t shrug off symptoms or why you’re there.

He looked concerned from the moment he walked in. He had spoken to my Oncologist. He asked all the typical questions about why I was there; typing all my answers into my chart on the computer. The physical exam was next. He pushed and pressed all over my abdomen. When he pressed on my right side below my ribs I saw stars and the look on my face caused him to nod. He matter of factly told me my gallbladder was inflamed and it needed to come out. Huh?? But it’s always nothing. Now it’s something?

He began writing orders for tests. He wanted to make sure there wouldn’t be any surprises for the surgeon. Swell.

Ultrasound, Upper Endoscopy, HIDA Scan and then surgery. They scheduled the ultrasound later that afternoon -no time like the present. Endoscopy is this coming Wednesday. Doctor C isn’t messing around.

Hopefully, when it’s all over with I’ll be more comfortable and eating won’t be a nightmare anymore. I’m not going to lie, if I start gaining weight again, someone’s going to hear about it.

So this year, instead of a birthday party, I’ll be having a “Going Away Party” for my gallbladder! Everyone’s invited!

On the Road Again

 

Today I’m making my favorite trip again. *eyeroll*  I’m headed down to Sloan-Kettering for another fast and dirty trip for a PET/CT.

The last time I updated regarding my health, I was going to see a GI Oncologist at Sloan on September 28th to see if she could unravel the mystery that is me. I had only planned on being there over night so I booked the train for Tuesday, September 27th and invited my Mom to come along! In past 3 yrs she had never come with me to NYC so I thought this would be a good time for some girl time. Oh, life….it has such a way of throwing irony at you at the worst times.

Our trip to Manhattan was pretty typical. We were delayed. I can’t even get mad any more but I do get a chuckle when I hear the people around me freaking out about it. We ended up being about 3 hrs late getting in and we were pretty tired so, my grand plans of doing some sightseeing were squashed.

The day of my appointment with the GI Doc, we got there early – 9am. I always get to appointments early in the hopes that I can get in early. Nope. We waited almost 2 hrs before I was called back. It was another 90 minutes before I actually saw my Doc. I saw her nurse who took my vitals and I saw her Assistant who did a very intense intake. Then I waited some more. I was getting nervous because we had a train to catch at 3:40pm.

At almost 1pm, Dr. Ludwig walked in. I loved her almost immediately. She listened. She heard me. She validated me. She promised me she would get to the bottom of what was going on. And then she freaked me out with what she said next: “You need to change your plans because you’re not leaving today. I need to get you into imaging right away. Sit tight I’m going to make some calls right now and get some scans scheduled.”  *Gulp*

Then things seemed to go pretty fast. I had to make 2 calls immediately – one to the hotel and the other to Amtrak. Then a nurse came out – “Dr. Ludwig wants you to do a Colonoscopy and Endoscopy on Friday the 30th” Yeah, no. I had to give a speech at Adam’s school that day. I would have to come back. So, we scheduled that for the following Monday, October 3rd. (Sheesh!)

At 2pm I finally had my appointment time for an abdominal x-ray and a Lumbar/Thoracic Spine MRI. Two different locations. 5pm and 7pm. We could finally leave, go get lunch and relax before we had to go back out make our way to my appointments.

The Imaging office for the MRI was at an affiliate location connected with Sloan and in a very upscale part of Manhattan. While I was filling out the paperwork. My Mom started poking my arm and whispered loudly – “LOOK!”  I looked up and standing at the counter checking in was – and I’m not even kidding – Martha (freaking) Stewart. In all the times I have been to NYC this was the first time I had ever seen a celebrity let alone sat within 2 feet of one. My Mom was literally seconds away from talking to her when someone came out and whisked her away for her x-ray. And just like that she was gone.

While I was waiting for the MRI, I received a call from Dr. Ludwig’s office. The abdominal x-ray I had an hour earlier was OK and I was officially scheduled for the Colonoscopy/Endoscopy for the following Monday. (Joy!)

To make a long story….well, it’s too late to make it short so I’ll just jump to the why I’m going to Sloan today. So, the MRI was negative for any spinal compression or metastasis that would cause my spontaneous GI episodes. The Abdominal x-ray was negative for any obstructions. The Colonoscopy/Endoscopy was OK. The biopsies that were done – there were 4, including a gastric polyp, were negative. She also tested me for C.Diff, H.Pylori, and Colitis. It was noted that my stomach is very inflamed and angry. All of this is GREAT NEWS. The best news. One tiny little problem….I’m still losing weight, I’m still not able to eat all the time, I’m still battling nausea and I’m having GI issues and I just don’t feel good.

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There was a question as to when I would have my next set of scans. Stick to the 3 month plan or wait until February which would be 6 months. I was almost inclined to wait, however when Dr Modi, my Oncologist at Sloan heard that I’m not better and I’m down another 6lbs her office called me and said she wanted me to have the PET now.

I usually have the results the same day – one of the awesome things I love about Sloan – but my scan is late (3:45pm) and it’s a Friday so I’m not anticipating hearing anything until Monday.

*Fingers Crossed* Hoping to keep my ‘unremarkable’ PET scan streak going a little bit longer.

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