The Meaning of it All and Other Questions

My heart is so heavy right now. Several women I know, that I have corresponded with are having such a rough time and there isn’t anything I can do about it.

Two are struggling with the treatments they are enduring. They are not able to walk or do simple day to day things we take for granted. Its difficult to read updates because normally these women are so vibrant and active.

Most of the time, the treatments that are meant to help actually make things worse for a period of time before they get better. Its not like taking an antibiotic for a sore throat and 24 hrs later you feel relief.

Another woman has been moved to hospice and the end for her is imminent. She has two young children that want their Mom with them but instead have to say goodbye.

Its just all so overwhelming. We form special bonds with women in similar circumstances over Social Media. We give advice, offer support, joke around, discuss treatments, side effects. Sometimes we are lucky and get to meet face to face. All the while, knowing one day it might be us that needs the prayers. Its just not fucking fair!

Some people think I should be thanking God it’s not me, but I can’t. I can’t do that because I don’t want ANYONE to be going thru this and one day, this WILL be me, and I can’t hide from it. I can’t hide when I have reminders like this week when I woke up having trouble breathing and in so much pain. It was very difficult to wake my husband and let him know I needed help. I had such feeling of guilt. I felt guilty for not ‘sucking it up’ and waiting until morning. I felt guilty for waking him up knowing how hard he works during the day. I knew by waking him up it was guaranteeing a trip to the Emergency Room.


Why is this my life now? Why is this any of our lives? Why are some of us being robbed of just living our lives? Being robbed of watching our kids grow up? These are wonderful people that have things to offer. It just isn’t fair. None of it.


On Monday, a large group of us (women living with Metastatic Breast Cancer and others) took over Twitter and Facebook in order to give a face and a voice to metastatic breast cancer. The purpose was to trend certain hashtags and educate people of the breast cancer truths many are never told. The Twitter goal wasn’t realized as it had been intended to but we did on Facebook (at least I think we did). Every time I posted or sent a tweet I did so with these women in mind. In fact some even included their picture. Bottom line, on Monday we made an impact and let our presence known.

I don’t have the answers to my questions and I probably never will but one thing is true: We will never be forgotten. None of the women that have passed from this disease will be forgotten and those left to scream and shout about MBC awareness won’t be forgotten either when its our time.
Even though this disease is a son of a bitch twatgoblin, I couldn’t be in a better group of company. I love these women and I’m proud to stand beside them.