Fun fact about me: I occasionally suffer from panic attacks. They began shortly after cancer became part of my life. They come out of nowhere. Randomly. Usually at the worst possible times.

I’m having one now.

I’m trying to distract myself.

If I don’t and I let the feelings wash over me, I’m afraid the tears will spill out and choke me to death. It’s a soul crushing feeling.

I know, deep down, that every day I’m inching closer to that day.

It takes my breath away. I can’t breathe.

It hits my chest. My eyes fill with tears.

It’s a battle to control my breathing so I don’t hyperventilate. I concentrate on not letting the tears leave my eyes.

I can do it. I can do this. Don’t let them see. I can’t let anyone see.

I’m ok. Nothing is wrong. Everything is ok.

Even though it’s not.

Today it is.

Right now is all that matters.

This moment.

Hold on. Hold tight.

Concentrate.

It’s almost over.

Breathe.

Breathe.